The Thanksgiving Survival Guide for Women Who Know Too Much

Let’s Review the Assignment Before We Enter the Battlefield

Thanksgiving shows up every year like a seasonal influencer, promising gratitude, pie, and a table of people cosplaying emotional stability for one afternoon. The photos always look dreamy, like everyone's starring in a soft-focus commercial for ethically sourced table linens. But the fantasy usually collapses the moment Aunt Linda clears her throat and fires off a historical inaccuracy incorrect enough to summon a librarian from the dead.

So here it is, the Miss Behaving field guide you didn't know you needed but will absolutely use.

Recommended Protocols for Maximum Sanity Preservation

1. When someone retells the "everyone held hands in a meadow and had a harmonious potluck" version of Thanksgiving, tilt your head like a dog trying to process a TED Talk delivered by a potato wearing bifocals.

It says, This version of history appears to have been crowdsourced by puppets.

If they keep going, raise the eyebrow.

That’s the truth audit.

2. "Why do we have to make everything political?"

Because everything already is, Brenda.

Say it with your face.

Say it with your whole damn aura.

If Brenda wanted an apolitical meal, she shouldn't have voted like a raccoon with WiFi.

3. When someone starts hyping a politician who wants to send women back to the historical bargain bin, pause your fork midair like you're deciding whether to keep eating or launch the revolution right here beside the green beans.

Make eye contact.

Let the pause do the heavy lifting.

Let the silence roast them. The turkey won't mind being outperformed

Then go back to your plate as if the conversation has been demoted to unpaid internship status.

4. When someone spirals about Thanksgiving being "attacked," calmly note that the turkey is fine, it's the make-believe origin story that's getting audited.

People aren't walking away from gratitude.

They're walking away from the fairy tale we were force-fed with the lumpy mashed potatoes.

5. When someone sighs, "everyone is offended by everything," smile sweetly and say, "I'm not offended. I'm just informed."

Then return to your mashed potatoes with the energy of a woman who outgrew this conversation three evolutions ago.

6. When someone shrugs that politicians have "always been messy," laugh softly and say, "Messy is fine. Felony-adjacent is a different genre."

Then enjoy the silence as they suddenly remember urgent yam-related duties.

7. If someone tries to bait you into a debate, butter a roll with the devotion of a monk who has transcended earthly nonsense.

This is the international signal for: I could dismantle your entire worldview, but carbs and inner peace taste better.

8. If a relative dives into conspiracy theories, respond with a single, well-placed "Huh."

Not agreement. Not engagement. Just "Huh."

The verbal equivalent of dragging their paragraph to the trash folder.

9. When in doubt, pivot to the dog.

The dog has no political hot takes, no unresolved childhood wounds, and no cousins they’re secretly feuding with.

A diplomatic icon. Basically, the United Nations with fur.

10. And if things truly go sideways, deploy: “I love you, but absolutely not.”

It’s the verbal equivalent of gently placing a cone of shame over the conversation and walking away.

And Now, Your Exit Strategy

Do not shrink. Do not apologize for knowing things. Do not dim your wattage to protect people who prefer the dark.

You’re not the emotional support turkey.

You’re a woman with depth, humor, timing, and a sacred limit to how much nonsense you will entertain.

Gather. Eat. Observe.

Pretend when it protects your energy.

Correct when your ancestors nudge you.

Laugh when the absurdity practically begs for it.

And leave with your dignity and fire exactly as you carried them in, bright, intact, and gloriously unbothered!